Can't be any Geek off the Street!

Sunday, May 2, 2010
Apparently the PCBL Regulators Baseball team has never heard the song made popular in the mid-90s by Warren G and Nate Dogg. Their team was overflowing with a cornucopia of douches, geeks and creeps. This team is as Bush League as it gets, right down to their softball looking jerseys and clipart infested logo. They used a trick play, took walks and stole bases up ten runs and nearly caused a bench clearing brawl while personally attacking the Dodos' players.

The game started with a Regulator single by lead off hitter, Tyler Thompson. Thompson stole second on the next pitch. A ground ball out to Dodos' short stop, Dustin Burke, advanced the runner to third. Rob Blank's sacrifice fly to left fielder Matty Lane provided the game's first run. Dodos' starting pitcher, Shane Shoemaker would walk the next hitter, hit the next batter, then get a fly out to center, where Chris Hems made short work of the out. Trailing 1-0, Shoemaker would lead off for the Dodos, lining a 1-2 fastball into center for a single. Shoemaker would steal second during Burke's at-bat, before Burke struck out. Hems would draw a walk, then Jason Butter struck out, leaving runners on first and second for Lane. Lane fouled off two pitches before grounding an 0-2 pitch to second, who forced Hems out with a toss to the shortstop. Dodos were losing after the first inning, 1-0.

The Dodos would get an easy 1-2-3 second inning, bringing Troy Warn, Sr. to the plate to lead off the home half. Sr. would battle to a full count before lining out to right field. Then, third baseman Charles Dethloff stepped in the box and drew a walk, bringing up Albert Hernandez. Hernandez singled to center, advancing Dethloff to third. After going to the cages just about every day of the week leading up to the game, Chris Hoffman stepped to the plate and dropped a perfect sacrifice bunt with one strike on him, scoring Dethloff from third. Ken Gerber would ground out to end the inning tied at 1-1.

It wouldn't be Dodos Baseball without one inning that completely destroys the game, and the third inning was just that. Shoemaker threw ground ball after ground ball, but the Dodos' defense offered no support, committing six errors in the inning, leading to ten unearned runs and putting the team in a gigantic hole. The Dodos would chip away at the 11-1 deficit in the bottom half of the inning. Designated Hitter Rick Jarakian was hit with the first pitch, setting Hoffman up to come on and run for him. Hoffman promptly stole second on the ensuing first pitch to Shoemaker. Shane would strike out this at-bat, but Hoffman would steal third. Burke hit a single to score Hoffman and set up Hems with an RBI opportunity when he advanced to second on the short stop's errant throw. Hems smashed a 3-1 fastball, burning the center fielder and allowing Hems to end up at third base with an RBI triple. Butter would then double to left, easily scoring Hems. The next batter (Lane) would get hit by the pitch, then Sr. would be called out on a low, outside, controversial third strike before Dethloff was also hit. With the bases loaded and two out, Hernandez belted a 2-2 RBI single, scoring Butter before Hoffman popped up to end the inning. The Dodos trailed 11-5 after three complete.

The Regulators would add three more runs via two doubles and a 2-run home run by the pitcher Kris Domaradzki. The Dodos would go quietly in the fourth, getting just one base runner and stranding him at second.

Down 14-5 to start the fifth, the Dodos called on Sr. to offer some pitching relief. Facing the lead off batter, Sr. got a routine pop up to right field that started drifting foul. Hernandez just overran the ball, dropping the attempted catch in foul territory, giving the hitter another chance. The next pitch would fall into shallow center for a single. That runner would score two batters later when Hems misplayed a tricky hop in center field. Hernandez would redeem himself, making a full diving catch in shallow right to save a run. The top of the inning ended when a line drive went screaming up the middle towards Sr.'s head, which he calmly snagged out of the air for the final out. Now down 16-5, the Dodos tried to mount a comeback with two outs when Lane hit the first pitch he saw for a single. Sr. would draw a four pitch walk and Dethloff fouled off a few pitches with the count full before getting ball four. It was a perfect scenario for the much coveted two-out rally, bases loaded, two down, pitcher having trouble throwing strikes. Perfect. Hernandez popped the first pitch up to shallow center, ending the chance for a rally, bailing out the Regulators' pitcher and stranding the bases loaded.

Ken Gerber would relieve to start the sixth. Ken was welcomed into the game by the Regulators with a lead off single. Now, if you've read this far, congratulations, you're in for a treat! Ken threw a perfect pickoff attempt to first, which Tony Ross caught and quickly applied the tag well before the runner got back to the bag. The umpire must have been asleep because it wasn't really close, but somehow he felt compelled to call the runner safe. Whoops! Leading 16-5, this douchebag not only steals second, but third as well (Bush League offense #1)! Ken nailed down the next three batters, getting one to fly out to right, striking out the next batter looking and getting a ground out to third, which Ross apparently applied a tag to the runner after already touching first base. Maybe it was retaliation for the two stolen bases or quite possibly just to make sure the umpire saw the out, either way, the Regulators' dugout was in an uproar, to which the umpires rapidly told them to let it go.

With tension mounting, Hoffman stepped into the box to lead off. He laced a single to bring up Ken. Hoffman loves to talk, so he proceeded to strike up a conversation with the field umpire. So preoccupied with his conversation, Hoffman started to take his lead off first base, not noticing the Regulators' pitcher standing on the grass rather than the dirt of the mound. The first baseman tagged Hoffman out, utilizing the legendary little league tactic known simply as the "hidden ball trick" (Bush League offense #2). Hoffman was irate about the incident and the casual convo with the ump turned into a "blame game", with Hoffman trying to convince Gary that it was a balk and Gary shouldn't be talking to him and what not. After the Dodos managed to wrangle Hoffman into the dugout, it was finally time for Ken's at-bat. Ken popped the second pitch he saw straight up to the pitcher, tossing his bat in disgust, which some how made it's way onto the field about ten feet from the pitcher, inciting the usual banter, "Hey! What's up with that? Blah blah blah." You get the picture. Still upset at the use of the trick play, Hoffman started yelling at the pitcher and then Burke chimed in on his counterpart at short stop, all while Ken took a long walk and talk back to the dugout. Needless to say, the Regulators had had enough. The 52 year-old right fielder came sprinting in to give Hoffman his two cents, but all he could muster was, "Look at your hair man! Look how long your hair is!" (Bush League offense #3) Hoffman laughed it off, as did the rest of the Dodos who were on the field to protect their fellow teammates from the whole Regulator team who was now just feet away from the Hoffman, Burke and Ken. After all the hot air and people hiding behind other people, the plate umpire issued a "blanket" warning to both teams, telling them not to say another derogatory word to the other.

With the game back on track, Jarakian was up to bat with two outs. Jarakian sent a chopper between first base and the mound, which was fielded cleaning by the pitcher, who then ran to first to finish the play unassisted and outrun Rick as if to send a message. As Rick headed back to the dugout, the Regulators taunted him with,"Get some pants that fit!" and "Fatass!" (Bush League offense #4) None of this was heard by the warning giving umpire, as he was engaged in a conversation with none other than, yep, you guessed it, Chris Hoffman. So, the game went on.

Ken opened the seventh inning with a walk and wouldn't you know it, that creep stole second and third! How Bush League! But it doesn't stop there, the next batter would wait out a walk with an 11 run lead and then he stole second. The next batter should probably has worn the ball in the ear, but Ken gave him a pitch to hit and he hit a sac fly to left. Chris Hems would come in from center field to make his pitching debut with two outs. He responded with a full count hit batter, leaving the Dodos in a real bind, having used all available pitchers (Shaun Stephans was absent). Shoemaker was reluctantly reinserted as pitcher, and he gave up a single, double and hit two batters before the Dodos recorded the third out.

Now down 21-5, the Dodos tried one last ditch effort to save face and close the gap. Shoemaker drew a lead off walk, then Burke hit a grounder between the legs of the SHORT stop. Hems would bat next and be called out on another controversial third strike. Butter would single Shane home next. Then, following a pop up to short and in typical baseball movie drama fashion, Sr. stepped up to the plate with his six game hitting streak on the line. Wouldn't you know it, just like the movies, Sr. hit and RBI single, scoring Burke. Dethloff would smash the next pitch to the wall, plating Butter and Sr. With four runs across, two outs and a runner on second, Hernandez once again stepped into the batter's box. He took the first pitch for a strike before flying out to center to end the inning and the game as both the 12 run mercy rule and time limit were both reached.

Fantasy Performances of the Day: Shoemaker 1-3 (R, BB, K, 2SB); Burke 1-4 (2R, K, E); Hems 1-3 (R, 2RBI, BB, K, 3B, E); Butter 2-4 (2R, 2RBI, 2B, K); Lane 1-3 (HB); Sr. 1-3 (R, BB, K); Dethloff 1-1 (R, 2RBI, 2B, 2BB, HB, 3E); Hernandez 2-4 (RBI, E); Hoffman 1-2 (RBI, Sac Bunt, 2SB, CS, 2E); K. Gerber 0-3 (K), Jarakian 0-2 (R, HB). Shoemaker L (4.1IP, 15R, 5ER, 11H, 2BB, 3HB, 2K, 2-R HR); Sr. (1IP, 2R, 1ER, 3H); K. Gerber (1.2IP, 4R, 3ER, H, 3BB, K); Hems (0IP, R, ER, HB)